We spend a good amount of our free time scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, and at least once a day we look at a post that makes us say “Oh god, why?” Everyone knows “that couple,” and you, my friend, are one beautiful new relationship away from sliding down the slippery slope into Annoyingville. (Population: You two.) Before you post, please abide by these rules for sharing your joy without ruining ours.
#1 We’re following you, not both of you.
Although this may seem impossible, some people want to keep up with the happenings of one member of the couple and not the other. It’s awesome that your boo is working sohard toward his goal of running a 5k, but we’d follow him if we wanted the full play-by-play. (We don’t.) Your ‘gram, your life. This is also a good time to note that “joint couple Instagrams” should be tried as a felony.
#2 You don’t need to prove to others that you two work out together. We believe you.
No one needs to know that you guys crushed SoulCycle together. Those quads are gonna have to speak for themselves.
#3 The only GQ-approved anniversary is the yearly one. _
We get it: in 2015, staying in a relationship for six whole months seems like a cause for celebration. But anniversaries should be special. Don’t dilute them. Therefore, you only getone opportunity a year to post a four-paragraph, five-red-wines-deep Facebook status about how your life has irreversibly changed since meeting Michelle. Even then, your Facebook status could read like bad The Notebook fan fiction. Know this before you publish.
#4 Your girlfriend can’t be your #womancrushwednesday.
This practice is… questionable. What’s your end game? Do you want us to lust after your girlfriend? Get a bunch of horny weirdos browsing the hashtag to lust after your girlfriend? If you’re going to post a #WCW, know that it’s okay to love your girlfriend and have a crush on Jennifer Aniston, too—or, you know, just don’t post pictures of girls that you have crushes on. Actually, do that.
#5 Use your significant other’s name.
Use their real name! Not “boyfriend,” not “girlfriend,” not “bae,” not the nickname you gave her because she is just a lil’ buttercup. Although “Buttercup Pumpkin Head”? Weirdly okay, probably because you set him up for years of torment.
#6 Turn the camera around. No. The other way.__
When you’re married and have kids, you can’t exactly take Saturday morning off from your family to romp through the forest with your camera like a Tumblr nymph. You are the Documentarian in Chief. That means the selfie of you two at your toddler’s soccer game is boring…but the picture of him sitting on the ground eating dirt is an image that deserves to be immortalized. Golden rule: if you have to say where you are and what you’re doing in the caption, then the photo is no good.